By Warren Vake & Roscoe P Coltrane
New York, November 30 at 9:42 AM
Ivanka Trump, daughter of President Donald Trump of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW, Washington, DC 20500, has this morning announced the launch of a new forest rake manufacturing business ‘Rakeeteers’ to be based near San Jose, California. Ms Trump, who has allegedly never had any type of sexual relationship with her father, staged a press conference just outside a branch of Subway in downtown Los Angeles, declaring that the new venture would stimulate much-needed growth to the failing Silicon Valley economy, creating “literally dozens of jobs”.
When questioned as to the timing of the launch of this new venture, Ms Trump responded “I guess this is kind of a hunch kinda thing, you know? Now is the time, you know, when forests and other heavily wooded areas just need a damn-good raking. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time now and I know there are other people who feel exactly the same way as me. Raking is the future. It’s very, very good.”. When asked whether the new business venture had anything to do with President Trump’s observations about how raking forest floors might reduce the spread of wildfires, Ms Trump declared “Really? He said that? I had absolutely no idea. Wow! That man really is a genius. No, I knew absolutely nothing about that. I had never thought about raking forest floors to slow the spread of wildfires. I just thought they would look tidier. This is a complete and utter coincidence. However, clearly both my father and I are tapping into the present day Zeitgeist. It’s all about the raking. I think it’s nice.”.
When asked about this new business launch, the president of Finland Sauli Niinistö, who was last week forced to clarify his position relating to the effectiveness of raking forest floors as a fire-fighting measure, stated “You’ve got to be fucking kidding haven’t you? She’s going to do what? Didn’t I make it clear that it would be a complete fucking waste of time? They really are a massive pair of cockwombles!”.
We have yet to have any feedback from Ms Trump’s office relating to Mr Niinistö’s statement.
