This morning, Downing Street has announced that Mr Johnson intends to utilise a ‘Benny Hill Strategy’ during the next round of Brexit negotiations in Brussels.
Speaking to a packed-out press conference inside number 10, Downing Street, Prime Minister Johnson declared:
“Well, I think it’s a stroke of bloody genius myself. Most of those damn foreigners won’t have a flaming clue what’s hit them!“
“I intend on walking into the negotiating room, sticking out my tongue and then saluting them with a stupid gurn on my face. That should throw the French off balance. Then, using Benny’s famous lisp, I’ll sing them an innuendo-riddled cheeky song that makes the inference that all Greek men like bum sex. This ploy is bound to throw all of the Mediterranean states off kilter.”
“Because the Chancellor (Sajid Javid) has no hair, he can be the little bald fella who gets his head slapped by me (Benny); and then Raaby’s (Dominic Raab – the Foreign Secretary) trousers will fall down, after which he’ll be chased around the chamber at high speed by scantily clad female members of the cabinet to the tune of Yakety Sax (The Benny Hill Theme Tune). “
Mr Johnson then seemed to have a brainwave:
“I’ve got it! I’ll get Pretty Priti (Priti Patel – Home Secretary) to dress up in a Naughty Nurses uniform. That’ll distract them! It always does me when she wears it to cabinet meetings!
The shocked press junket fired a series of questions to Mr Johnson about how he expected this approach to help his government negotiate, to which Mr Johnson declared:
“Look, the most influential country in the EU is Germany; and we all know how much they love Benny Hill. He’s practically a God over there! Once they see what we’re doing, they’ll completely switch to our point of view. I wouldn’t even be surprised if we see Mrs Mercal in a bikini chasing after Raaby with the rest of the totty. She absolutely loves Benny Hill.”
The Press Secretary for the EU negotiating team in Brussels declined to make comment about this latest development.