Lucifer Moggy, otherwise known as ‘the cat in hell’, has this week stated that, despite not actually being in the official running, he has a better chance of winning the Tory leadership race than Jeremy Hunt. Speaking at a burningly intense press conference at the gates of Hell on Monday, Lucifer declared that he had absolutely no doubt that the Conservative Party membership was far more likely to vote for him than the current Health Secretary.
Prior to making his official statement, Lucifer surprised the packed out press junket with an impromptu yet masterful display of arsehole and testicle licking. He allowed the extremely aroused journalists to ‘finish off’ and ‘clean up’ before reading out a short pre-prepared statement to the waiting audience.
“There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I have a better chance of winning the race to Number Ten than Mr. Hunt. Considering his history as both Education and Health Secretary, the Conservative Party members recognise just how unelectable he is. Even though the membership are a bunch of aging, bigoted, self-interested degenerates who don’t know their arses from their elbows, there is no way that they will give their backing to a man who has singlehandedly created more hatred and distrust than any other politician in the last twenty years. Basically it’s a one-horse race. Well… a one mop-haired fool, one cat race.”
In the following Q&A session, Mr Moggy was put under intense questioning from journalists, who made the case that Mr. Hunt must have a greater chance of being elected. Despite them repeatedly making the case that, given the fact that his name isn’t going to appear on the voting slip, Mr Moggy has absolutely no chance of winning, he remained resolute in his position, stating:
“Look, I hear what your saying! I may not officially be in the contest, but given the fact that Jeremy’s an extremely horrible and utterly odious Hunt of the most disgusting variety, I believe that there is more chance of people crossing out his name on the voting slip, writing in my name, putting a cross against my name and then the Conservative Party declaring me as an official contestant than Jeremy receiving a single vote from the party membership. It’s a no-brainer really!”
The press then followed up by asking Lucifer a series of questions about the other man in the race to become our next Prime Minister, Boris Johnson. Mr Moggy summed up his thoughts about ‘Bungling Boris’ by concluding:
“Look, everyone knows it’s not an ideal situation. I would have preferred Andy Pandy to that utter cock-womble, but you know what they say… Better the Devil you know…”