In the light of the revelations from recent days that, over the past few decades, leading Tories have from time to time partaken in the consumption of Class A drugs, the Conservative Party today announced that they will be “going with the flow” and re-branding the organisation as the 24 Hour Party Party.
Given that a number of senior party members, many of whom are in the running for the position of Prime Minister, including Boris Johnson, Michael Gove, Jeremy Hunt and Rory Stewart, have admitted to these illegal drug-taking activities, the Chairman of the Conservative Board Brandon Lewis this morning announced:
“Yeah, Man, you know what I mean? We’re fucking sorted. Well, you know, like, we was gonna say that we’d not fuckin’ taken ‘owt, but given that 80% of the frontbenchers are off their fuckin’ tits 24/7 it would seem a bit stupid to deny it.
We are a fuckin’ party of the fuckin’ people and we wanna show that we can smoke, snort and inject as well, if not better, than the average UK crackhead.”
He followed up by adding:
“I’m surprised that there’s really been this much fuss! You’ve seen the state of the fuckin’ government over the past couple of years, haven’t ya? Look at the state of the Brexit negotiations. There is no other way of explaining the shambles this country is in other than the fact that the cabinet and leading civil servants are as high as fuckin’ kites man, know what I mean?”
One unnamed Tory source commented:
“The mainstream media have been lying about the extent of drug taking across the party. Some of the articles I’ve been reading about the scale of the drug-taking epidemic are complete and utter fabrication. In my honest assessment, I would say we take about three to four times as much as some of the figures that have been quoted. It’s fuckin’ sweet man!”
We asked members of the 1922 Committee to comment on the matter, but they were all too stoned to give a shit.