The Devil has this week placed his current hand cart for sale on eBay, stating that he may need to upgrade to a larger model in light of an increasingly likely No-Deal Brexit. The cart, which is believed to have been in the Beelzebub family for over 10,000 years, has always been sufficiently large enough to handle their requirements. That is until now.
For hundreds of generations, Lucifer and his demons have been using the cart to schlep souls from the surface of Earth down into the fiery depths of hell. However, given the current state of Brexit negotiations, the Devil has taken the unprecedented move of placing the existing cart on the market, voicing concerns over its ability to handle a potential surge in the number of souls it would be required to carry in the case of a no-deal Brexit.
When questioned about this latest decision, Lucifer stated:
“I just couldn’t take the risk any more. I may not need a larger cart in the short term, but if Brexit goes through, we are going to be fucking busy, I can tell you. There’s like a 40 week lead time on the larger carts, so the whole thing is a calculated risk.”
He went on to explain:
“Yes, I may have millions of souls at my beck and call, but we’re just like any other business waiting on the outcome of Brexit. Are we going to have to ramp up or are we going to start making redundancies?
Nobody knows, but the way I look at it, I’m going to need a larger cart
sooner or later . Even if Brexit falls through, there are some absolute definites that have already been promised to us from upstairs.”
When quizzed about this promise, the Devil expanded:
“Look, we all know that God doesn’t do deals with the Devil, so he drafted a couple of mates in to iron out the finer details. We’ve had a very constructive meeting with Santa Clause and Donald Tusk over the past few weeks and, at the end, they handed over a substantial naughty list.“
Noticing our shock at this revelation, the Devil explained:
“I can see your surprised at Donald Tusk’s involvement, but we’ve been in discussions with him for quite some time, hence his comment about ‘The Special Place in Hell for Brexiteers without a plan’. He helped us to design the Brexit wing actually. Now, he’s a sadistic bastard!”
We asked Lucifer whether he was prepared to divulge the full contents of the list, however he wasn’t prepared to disclose all of the finer details of his plan. He did however hint at a few things:
“Put it like this… I’ve got Vlad The Impaler working overtime, sharpening and lubricating stakes as we speak. I can’t give specific names, but the names of the people at the top of the list rhyme with Stavid Bameron, Figel Garage, Macob Peace-Frog, Cavid Cavis and Wichael Move.
Now, go piece that one together…”
As soon as we have been able to decipher this devilishly difficult code, we will let you know.