Jeremy Corbyn unsure if he’s indecisive or not

Can I phone a friend?

What the #@&! is going on?

Jeremy Corbyn yesterday announced that he is, as of yet, still unsure as to whether he’s indecisive or not. He called a press conference last Thursday, but kept 26 journalists in limbo, as he spent nearly four hours trying to decide whether he should turn up or not.

When they eventually caught up with him, quizzing him about this new revelation, he replied: “It started yesterday morning. Well, actually, it started on Tuesday evening just before Eastenders, but that doesn’t count because… Well, it just doesn’t, right? I can’t give you any credible or in-depth response, so you’re just going to have to trust me on this one.”

He went on to explain: “I was trying to pick out my socks that morning and I reached a major stumbling block. My favorite yellow socks were in to be washed, but I wanted to wear my purple underpants; and nothing really goes with them apart from my yellow socks. Then I realised that Aunt Cynthia had bought me a really fantastic pair of dark green socks for Christmas – not this Christmas, the Christmas before… I think… Anyway, I decided that if I wore the green socks with the purple underpants, that might be okay, but then I realised that I also had a lovely pair of puce underpants that I hadn’t worn for days…”

Starting to get bored of his inane drivel, one of the journalists began quizzing him about the Labour Party’s stance on Brexit. He got very flustered and stated: “Listen! We’ve made it very clear where we stand on Brexit. Our position is that we really don’t know what our position is. Some of us extreme left wingers believe that the EU plays into the hands of big business, but because between 80-90% of our membership support staying in the EU, I’m not going to admit to what I really think, am I?”

When asked about whether now might be a good time for him to be a little bit more decisive, he responded: “I don’t know. We are going through some unprecedented times right now. The Government have just been voted down on the EU deal with the largest majority in parliamentary history, yet despite that, on the following day I was unable to get a vote of no confidence in the government to stick. It might be something to do with the politicians and public having even less faith in me than Theresa May, but I cannot be completely sure.”

He explained further: “Theresa May survived a vote of no confidence from her own MPs in early December. Prior to this vote, Tom (McDonald) suggested that I should either table a no-confidence vote right then and there – before her own party did – or that if I didn’t, I would have to wait until after she tried (and failed) to get her EU deal through parliament half way through January. But I wasn’t sure.”

So instead, just after Christmas, – slap bang in the middle of the two times that Tom advised me were best – I announced that I had no confidence in the government. But then I refused to take up the option of a vote in parliament. Nearly everyone in parliament, my party and the country thought my timing was the most stupid thing they had ever heard of, but I wasn’t sure. It is for this reason why, after she lost the vote on her EU deal by an enormous margin, I still couldn’t get a motion of no confidence to pass. Although I’m not sure about that. And now she bloody well won’t resign. It’s not very sporting to be honest…”.

Jeremy Corbyn is now widely recognised by the British public as being a complete and utter cockwomble.

But he isn’t sure.