“People have been panicking needlessly at the prospect of a no-deal Brexit, and then a weather event such as this comes along and puts the whole thing into perspective. Britain should be ashamed of itself.”
Prime Minister May has today called a National Emergency as a result of the light smattering of snow which is currently holding the South of England ‘to ransom’. During this armageddon-like weather event, millions of Britons have been hunkering down in terror, hoping and praying that the treacherous conditions will soon come to an end.
Standing in a slightly snowy Downing Street, Mrs May spoke to the waiting press: “People have been panicking needlessly at the prospect of a no-deal Brexit, and then a weather event such as this comes along and puts the whole thing into perspective. Britain should be ashamed of itself. It has been a very, very naughty boy. In your bed!”
She went on to explain: “We understand how much the British people are suffering at the moment, however help is at hand. Because we have been stockpiling, we don’t expect the supply of food, medicines and key provisions to be significantly effected. If people can maintain a the British ‘stiff upper lip’, we expect the show to have thawed by tea time”.
“I even had to put a vest on this morning. Will this living hell ever end?”
VakeNews came across a few hardy people in the street prepared to speak to us. One member of the public said: “It has been a nightmare. I even had to put a vest on this morning. Will this living hell ever end? I normally work from home on a Friday, but this is different. I’m doing exactly the same things that I normally do, but today I have to look outside at a teeny bit of snow on the lawn. I don’t know how much longer I can stand it!”
Another added: “The kids are off school, which is difficult enough, but they’ve been outside building snowmen, making show angels and having snowball fights. They’ve been traipsing wet footprints into the house. I just don’t think the authorities understand just how bad it is getting out here in rural Sussex. What is it going to take for the government to call out the armed forces? They are so out of touch.”
A spokesperson from Hampshire Snowwatch commented: “Well, it’s just awful isn’t it? I don’t think I have been as scared as this since the last time we had a gentle snow shower, which was a couple of weeks ago. The county has been in lockdown, with little prospect of it getting any better until at least later today. I’m at my wit’s end.”
We spotted on hardy chap, Mike Smith, originally from Bradford, fighting his way along a slightly snowy path in the centre of Oxford. This foolhardy individual added: “It’s just a bit o’ snow innit? It’ll be gone by t’morning”.
Like a modern-day Captain Oates, we watched him walk away into the distance to an uncertain future.
We spotted him later in Weatherspoons.