President Trump graciously offers compromise when no other options are available to him

“I’ve won awards for being reasonable…”

Amidst the longest ever government shutdown in United States history, President Trump has very kindly and graciously offered to compromise after realising that there were absolutely no other options available to him.

Some commentators have pointed out that President Trump caused the entire shutdown in the first place by refusing to sign off continuation resolutions to fund ongoing government operations, after the now Democrat-led Congress were not prepared to make the funding available for his hairbrained US-Mexico Border project. However we wouldn’t point something like that out. No. No, we wouldn’t.

However, the Republican voting public are now largely blaming him for this impasse, with many of them stating that if he was genuinely interested in building a wall, he would have tried to obtain the funding for it before the mid term elections, as, at that time, the Republicans had complete control of The House of Representatives; and would have easily been able to pass the motion.

On the other side of the house, Democrat Leader Nancy Pelosi, has now made her position very clear to the President regarding her party’s willingness to back down on the matter, reportedly stating “Listen you stubborn, rattle-throwing, tiny-handed, dummy-sucking, shreaded-wheat-topped, sad excuse for a man, let’s just get one thing clear! There is not going to be a wall”.

“…I’m a reasonable guy… just ask the Mexicans.”

However President Trump seems to have had a change of heart on the entire matter, stating: “No, I am not backing down. I didn’t lose. I don’t lose. Losing is not something I do. I’m a winner. I looked out of the window one morning and the birds were singing, so I thought to myself “You know what might be nice? Why don’t I give those sad losers a break?”. I’m a reasonable guy… just ask the Mexicans.”

President Trump went on to explain “I’m the most reasonable guy I know. And I know people. A lot of people. I’ve actually won awards for how reasonable I am. In fact, one of those awards was actually given to me by the Mexican President, who also says that he likes my hair. My hair has also won awards…”.

He continued: : “My hair has actually won awards, not just for being so beautiful, but also for being so reasonable. I have very reasonable hair. Just last year I won the Mexican award for the most reasonable hair in the world. It’s on my mantlepiece. I like it. It’s nice.”

He just wouldn’t stop talking: “So no, I didn’t back down. It may be true that I had no other options available to me, but my hand wasn’t forced. This was all my idea. What can I say? I’m a lovely guy. Just ask anybody. Ask my Mom. My Mom thinks I’m nice.”

However, in the latest turn of events, the Democrats have turned down his so-called compromise before it was even officially presented, calling it “unacceptable”, a “non-starter” and “hostage taking”. President Trump’s response was swift:

“I don’t believe you guys! You never let me do anything I want to do. You’re not my parents. If you were, you’d let me do it. All my other friends get to stay up way past midnight on a school night and play video games, but you guys are just totally lame. I hate you. I wish I’d never been born.”

As this lockdown appears to be in place for the forseeable future, we at VakeNews predict that President Trump will lose all of his pocket money and will be grounded for a month, at least.

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