London, Sunday 5th April 2020
Following many days of speculation, Corona Virus today stated to a packed out press conference in Scunthorpe that it has “unequivocally and categorically” not been infected by Boris Johnson.
Mr Virus faced incredibly tough questioning from a packed out press room, with the majority of journalists remaining seemingly unconvinced that it was telling the complete truth. Here at VakeNews, we want it to go on the record that, given many of the symptoms that the virus was displaying, it is in our opinion that Corona Virus has indeed been infected by Boris. Our Editor in Chief, Warren Vake, drilled Mr Virus on it’s new mop-like hairstyle, to which it, whilst gurning, mumbling and vigorously rubbing its head, angrily responded:
“Err… Um… Well… Do I look like a bumbling buffoon to you? No, of course not! Well, that is, indeed, the opinion that the majority of people in our Great British society have, or has, or even, well, what I suppose I’m saying is that…. It’s a wig, obviously! Can’t a Virus go about wearing a moppish, foppish, blonde wig without being accused of suffering from Boris Johnson? Clearly, it’s a fashion statement, that’s what it is. Blimey, crikey and ya boo to you!
Medical professionals have told VakeNews that, although the Boris Johnson condition is not incredibly serious, the Corona Virus should probably self isolate given that the majority of people in Britain have already been badly infected by Mr Johnson’s lies.