Boris Johnson secretly knows he’s a complete idiot….

Boris remembers that he left his hamster in the freezer

It’s even worse than we thought…

For many years the electorate have largely assumed that Boris Johnson is some sort of harmless buffoon, recklessly crashing from one major act of stupidity to the next. However in an anonymous in-depth interview with a member of Boris’ inner circle last week, it turns out that he is possibly one of the most self-aware people in British politics today.

Our secret source stated: “Oh no. Boris is completely aware that he’s an utter dick. He seemingly bumbles from one complete disaster to the next; and the public accept and readily forgive him, saying “oh, it’s just Boris being Boris”, however he knows exactly what he’s doing. He knows that the British people love a character and believes that they will more or less ‘let him get on with it’ as long as his incompetence and ineptitude can be written off as some sort of ‘harmless japery’.”

But the complexity of this act runs even deeper than we could have imagined, our source revealed: “What most people don’t appreciate is that underneath his ridiculously awkward and blathering exterior, there is an even bigger knob trying to get out. He hasn’t even started to demonstrate the depth of his stupidity. Those people who call him out for putting on some kind of act simply don’t realise that what you see today is an extremely watered-down version of the real Boris. Truth be told, he’s an absolute cockwomble.”

However his backers are now starting to wonder whether his approach to date is beginning to backfire on him. Another anonymous contributor added: “The problem that Boris now has is that he doesn’t know which way to go. He’s at a crossroads. He really, really, really wants to be the future Prime Minister, but is concerned that an escalation of his ridiculous behaviour might not be taken seriously enough with the general public. Does he tone the whole thing down, making himself seem a lot more sensible and reasoned, abandoning his principles in the process; or should he continue to plough his path to date, cementing his reputation as an “absolute legend” with the bigoted mouth-breathers of the British electorate?”

Who knows where the Boris Johnson journey is going to take us next? But we at the Vake News team are hoping for a future filled with idiotic platitudes, moronic observations and boarding school style prankishness. Pull down your pants, light the touch paper and away we go! Huzzah!!!


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