Gove & Reece-Mogg: Slytherin boys shared dorm at Hogwarts

In da house with Draco Malfoy

“They called themselves the Slytherin Boys. Neither of them fancied Hermione “

Whereas the mainstream media has widely reported that Jacob Reese Mogg and Michael Gove were schooled at Eaton College and Robert Gordon’s College respectively, it was this week revealed that they both of them were, in fact, attendees at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, sharing a dormroom together in Slytherin House. A source close to both of them, who also attended Hogwarts, told us:

“Oh yeah, they were as thick as theives those two. They used to hang out all of the time. They were always practicing their breakdance moves; and they were even in a boyband together. They called themselves the Slytherin Boys. Neither of them fancied Hermione.”

When probed further, the source revealed: “Neither of them could sing to be honest. Govey tried his best to dance, bless him, but to be absolutely frank he was complete tripe. And Moggy just stood in the background looking moody and swaying to the beat. Without Draco, the whole thing would have been a complete disaster.”

“Moggy just stood in the background looking moody and swaying to the beat.”

When asked about their political careers, the source disclosed: “It was no real surprise when they became Tory MPs. They were both leading lights in Hogwart’s Young Conservatives; and they had posters of Lady Thatcher strewn across their dormroom walls. She was the first choice pin-up girl for everyone in Slytherin – even for the girls.”

When asked more about their relationship with Lady Thatcher, the source declared in hushed tones: “They worshipped the ground she walked on. Some say that they were directly involved in the spell to split her soul into the horcruxes, which is why they got so excited when they recently heard that she might be coming back. Apparently, they had to run around a room naked whilst singing Chas & Dave’s ‘Snooker Loopy Nuts’, but that’s just a rumour. “

“That’s no real surprise, mind you”, the source added. “I’ve seen them do that old routine at least half a dozen times at party conferences over the years. The ‘Naked Snooker Loopy Nuts’ routine is one of their classics. Govey really gets into it. But Moggy generally stands in the background looking moody and swaying…”

Mr. Reece Mogg’s and Mr. Gove’s Press Secretaries declined to comment on the story.

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