In an interesting turn of events this week, Prime Minister Johnson admitted to lying to the Queen about his declared reason for requesting the prorogation of Parliament, suggesting that he did it “for a bit of a lark”and that she actually enjoys his porky pies. He stated:
“Well, erm, in all actuality, I might as well come clean and admit that I did, in fact, lie to the Queen about the whole prorogation thing. However I am pretty sure that she’s totally fine with the whole thing, as posh people lie all the time, We have a long-standing history of lies and deception that stretches back multiple generations, which is how we ended up with all the money and power.”
This prepared declaration was met with stunned silence by the waiting press junket, so Mr Johnson continued:
“In fact, I’m pretty sure that she’d be completely disappointed if I hadn’t lied to her. It’s a way of life for people like us, so if I suddenly turned up at the palace and actually told the truth, she wouldn’t have been able to work out what was going on. She’s a fantastic old bird, isn’t she?”
The Royal correspondent for the Times questioned the impact of this on Brexit and the wider constitutional monarchy, to which Mr. Johnson responded:
“She bloody loves it, I tell you! When I pop over to the palace, we’re always arsing around with each other. She really is whizzer. I call her Lizzy Baby and she calls me Fat Mop and away we go. I pull her petticoat over her head, then she pulls my trousers down and punches me in the gonads. It’s fantastic! Hurrah!!”
“Then we move on to all the official business bollocks and she’s all like ‘Bozza, I want you to tell me a whole bunch of lies and shit, otherwise I damn well bloody well won’t have a chuffing clue as to what’s going on’, so that’s exactly what I do.”
Mr Johnson then held two fingers aloft, waving them in the faces of the waiting journalists.
“Me and the Queen is like ‘that’. We really is tighter than a gnat’s chuff, so you had better not writes anything nasty about the two of us, otherwise we will come round your house and moon at your Nan. You has been warned!”
There has been no follow-up statement coming from the Secretary of State, however, when questioned, a press spokesperson for Buckingham Palace added:
“For real!”
