…and she’s coming back to sort out Brexit
Whereas it had been widely understood that Margaret Thatcher had died over five years ago, a spokesperson from the Slytherin Committee of the Conservative Party today announced that she’s planning a comeback. It turns out that, although the nation marked her passing in April 2013,
her soul has, since then, been stored in seven separate horcruxes hidden around Westminster Palace, waiting for an appropriate time for her to rise again and reclaim power as the ultimate master of the black arts.
The spokesperson added: “The poor old girl thought that she was going to get a well-deserved rest, but when she heard just how much of an almighty screw-up Brexit has been, she’s decided to that now is the time for a comeback.”
There had been genuine hope by Conservative hardliners that some of the subsequent party leaders would have been able to effectively take up the reins, however it turns out that none of them ever came close to her unprecedented levels of evil. One Tory backbencher stated:
“The whole thing started really badly with John Major, William Hague and Ian Duncan-Smith – they were all utter gits, but just far too nice. Cameron & May have been really evil, but also massively incompetent. Maggie’s got little choice but to come back and sort the whole thing out.”
When asked about Michael Howard’s reign as the as the Conservative Leader, the commentator responded:
“What? That arseflange was in charge? Are you sure? Well, I don’t remember that in the least! It must have been during one of my cocaine-fueled benders. They used to last for several years at a time you know?!”
Since the news of Thatcher’s return, Theresa May is reported to be “completely crapping herself” and Boris Johnson, Jacob Reece-Mogg and Michael Gove have been “publicly pleasuring themselves” at the whole excitement of the situation.
When the news was shared with the UK leaders & negotiators in Brussels, Jean-Claude Juncker ran around in circles muttering “Mamma, mamma!”, Michel Barnier fell to his knees and started saying his Hail Mary’s, and Donald Tusk hid under the table shouting “Tell her I’m not here! Tell her that I live in Scunthorpe now…”
The Conservative Party have refused to give an exact date when Mrs. Thatcher will return, but it is thought to be very, very, very soon…
Wah ha ha ha ha ha…..